Me, Myself and "Grief and Me"
Toni Goodall • June 22, 2021
Reflecting on Joey Essex's Grief and Me
I'll confess that when I saw there was a documentary by Joey Essex about grief, I was sceptical. I feared that it would be too light-hearted, that it would risk making a mockery of the pain of loss. After all Joey Essex is the king of jokes whose always up for a laugh!
I chose to watch
Grief and Me
after a counselling client recommended it to me, naming his own experiences of seeing an adult man open up emotionally. I was struck by the contrast between the Joey Essex I knew from reality TV and this mourning man opening up about his loss.
Watching the documentary, I was left with tear-stained cheeks and a few reflections that I'll share here.
GRIEF IS ENDURING and so is love
I've always loved Lois Tonkin's theory about grief
which names that the loss doesn't get any smaller, but that our lives grow around it. This documentary reminded me of that as watching Joey's own grief regarding the death of a parent, tapped into my own loss of a parent. I noticed that my tears were in part in empathy for Joey, and also in sadness for myself to know a similar pain.
SMILES CAN HIDE SADNESS
Of course we have all seen this from the celebrity faces such as Robin Williams and Caroline Flack, but this documentary was a stark reminder. For all of Joey's silliness, comedy and laughs, he is managing a turmoil underneath that many people would never have guessed knowing him from his reality TV shows.
THERAPY ISN'T EASY and it's still worth it
I was so moved by Joey's courage to tell his therapist that he doesn't feel he can trust him. Being a therapist isn't an automatic pass to being trustworthy and it's so important to build that together at a unique pace. I really appreciated that Joey showed the realities of counselling being tough and turbulent at times. I also love that Joey shared that he will continue to go and see his therapist and I am really hopeful for further support and change for Joey as he continues his therapy privately.
ABANDONMENT LEAVES WOUNDS
Joey's sentence "she loved me but she left me" felt like a punch in the stomach. It really hits home the pain of abandonment and has echoes of all the ways that we as humans can experience being left. It reminded me to have patience with myself and with others when building relationships as this really can take time, courage, and patience.
IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO LOVE AND HEAL
Here is Joey exploring his grief in his adulthood. When Joey finds that he is able to watch the home movies with his sister and nan, I noticed myself feeling the familiar bubbling of hope - it's never too late to experience healing. It's also never too late to learn things you like and love about yourself. It's okay to have complex and contradicting feelings at the same time - it's what makes us human.
May you experience healing and love in your loss,
Toni
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Reflections from a new mother
I have been fortunate to have dogs in my life since my early childhood. I remember having a staffie cross called Sampson when I was around 4 or 5, and then through childhood and adolescence I was surrounded by various breeds including cross-breeds, labradors, jack russels, retrievers, and spaniels. Fortunately, I don't suffer any allergies so being around dogs is easy for me in lots of ways! My canine companions have always been so important for my wellbeing and sense of safety. My springer spaniel Ernie (pictured) is the first dog I've owned in my adulthood and it's so wonderful to be reliving the gifts that being around a dog brings. I mean - don't get me wrong, they are also a pain in the bum sometimes with sharp puppy teeth and raiding the laundry - but all the challenge is worth it! Here I'm writing about dogs but I am sure you may experience similar lessons and gifts from other pets too. LIVE IN THE MOMENT I love walking with Ernie and take so much from his joy in the here-and-now. My dog Ernie stops to sniff when he wants to sniff, he is curious and follows his instincts. I try to take a leaf out of his book and stop every so often to 'smell the roses' (sometimes quite literally!) When I am walking with my dog I leave my phone unattended and allow myself to be in the present moment, to feel the wind on my skin and to really take in the surroundings with all my senses. What a lovely gift to slow down in this fast-paced world! Another way Ernie helps me to live in the moment is when I stroke or pet him - its such a relaxing repetitive moment and really helps to soothe and centre us both. PLAY EACH DAY Playfulness is something that can be put on the back-burner in adulthood when we're focused on the jobs of the day and all the tasks on our to-do lists. Having a dog has encouraged me to re-engage with my playful and creative side. I laugh so much with - and at - my dog! Laughter and play is known to be a huge uplift in mood and really increases our creativity. Dogs never worry about the mess they'll make jumping in puddles and running through fields. Ernie has reminded me that it's okay to get messy in my playfulness! There is real freedom in the spontaneous play with my dog. SNUGGLES, CUDDLES AND CONTACT When my dog wants affection, he just snuggles his way in and will bask in the pleasure of a stroke or a nap together. Safe touch is scientifically proven to increase oxytocin (a hormone known to reduce stress) and dogs are a helpful reminder to seek safe affection from those we love and care about. EXERCISE Now I am notorious for struggling with motivation when it comes to exercise and working out. Not only does having Ernie practically get me out and about at least a couple of times a day, but he is an essential reminder for how valuable exercise is for wellbeing and positive mental health! Even when I don't feel motivated, Ernie will remind me to get out and about and a face pace walk in nature always makes me feel better! SELF-LOVE AND PRAISE Ernie always looks thrilled when I compliment him and will usually snuggle in or move closer to get more head scratches and cuddles. I throw an abundance of compliments and praise his way. I was thinking about it recently and I never feel that he is not enough in some way or that he would be better if he had straighter hair on his ears or if he was differently shaped. I accept my dog entirely as he is and celebrate every quirk. If only we could practice that uncritical self-love for ourselves! I'm working towards feeling thanking for the compliments and praise I receive, and learning to celebrate and love myself in the same way that my dog seems to. DRINK LOTS OF WATER A small but helpful reminder - when I hear my dog lapping out of his bowl it's a good reminder to think about how much water I have drunk today. And usually I need to drink more! May you experience the love and joy of a pet companion, Toni
