Who Holds the Mother?
Reflections on motherhood
A reflective piece from Evlyn Shadlock, following the arrival of her beautiful baby boy.
"Who holds the mother?
The night our baby arrived, I had to stay in hospital with him on my own. I'd had no sleep for nearly 48 hours and unplanned surgery. I sat in bed after my husband left and I cried. I cried to the nurse who was looking after us. I told her how scared I was. She told me it would be ok and that a nurse would come as soon as I pressed the call button. Then she left.
Our baby, less than 12 hours old cried out for me in the night. I pressed the button like she said. I waited, his cries ringing in my ears. I waited, tears burning in my eyes.
No one came. I eased myself out of bed wincing in pain due to the major abdominal trauma. I held him and fed him the best way I knew how. Looking back, I didnt know how. How was I supposed to know what to do? No one had told me or taught me.
After what felt like a lifetime, a nurse came in and turned off the call bell. She asked how baby was as she had heard him crying. She said he wasn't latched on properly. She opened his mouth more. Then she left.
The next day, multiple nurses came into my bay to check on the baby. They chatted to him. They offered to hold him whilst I limped my way to the toilet. They offered to clean him up whilst I sat in the same bloodied clothes. They took so much care with him, so gentle and loving.
Since that day, it's the same.
How's the baby doing?
How's the baby sleeping?
I bought the baby a gift.
The baby is gorgeous.
I'll hold the baby for you.
Everyone asks to hold the baby but who holds the mother?
Yes, newborns need care but so do new mums. In years to come, the baby will not remember who held him first or who bought him the most gifts.
I will forever remember who held me in this time of deep vulnerability. My husband, my family and two incredible midwives held me. They held me so tight.
We need to hold the mothers. If we don't, how will they have the power and energy to hold the babies?"
In reading this poignant piece from Evlyn, I was reminded of the courageous mothers and fathers I know.
Many parents come into my counselling room, questioning their efficacy as parents, fearing a loss of identity which has become eclipsed by the new title of mum, dad, papa, mama, mummy, pops, daddy etc. I will not attempt to write much beyond Evlyn's powerful lyricism, but I will say this...
In the precious miracle of a baby arriving, we must not forget to hold the parents too. Indeed, as those children age and grow - if they are healthy enough to do so - let's continue to hold the parents.
I see you mums and dads, parents and carers. I see you and I offer to hold you.
